A Day in the Life of Adam the Wizard…
“The first thing you have to realize before we undergo on this path is that everything around is okay, you are okay, I am okay, Joe´s house is okay, Jessica and the pill dealers are okay, Jimbo isn’t okay, but we will bring him to the sacred land of okay eventually with some effort, the earth is okay, everything, generally speaking is okay, do you understand this overall okayness?”
He said this in a low raspy struggling yet poetic voice, and then a huge puff of smoke left his mouth, and he coughed so hard that the bed shook beneath them, “hehhe hehhe hhhe hheee hheh hhhe hhe uuuggg hehh ugg d heehgh.”
Adam was talking and coughing to his new girlfriend Debra; a beautiful young local blond. They had been dating for a few weeks. They met and hit it off one day after Adam stood closely behind her in his weekly yoga class at the neighborhood YMCA. He was trying to explain to her the intricacies of getting stoned and preparing her mentally for the upcoming party at my house.
“But I´ve never been to a party like this before. I´ll be honest with you Adam,” she said looking at Adam like he was a Wise Old Wizard, “I’m a bit nervous and embarrassed to go in there and do all that crazy stuff. I’ve never even gotten drunk before.”
“Hush, listen Debra, hush hush child, it’s okay. Very Much Okay. We need to envelop the Okayness together, as two souls intertwined within the grand and mysterious cosmos,” he said assertively. “Do you trust me?” he asked, as he placed his hand on her warm, soft, tanned thigh, “Everything is going to be Okay. This is going to be the best experience of your life, I promise you. I´ve known Joe for over a decade. We are best friends and I know almost everyone that’s going to be at the party. So don’t worry about anything. The only thing you´ll have to worry about is sleep deprivation, which is going to happen to all of us, because we´re not going to stop partying till Joe´s parents get back on July 1st. This is going to be the most epic party of the decade, I’m telling you!”
He was so happy to be sharing this exciting moment with her. Adam turned up the volume of the radio, which was probably playing some kind of deep trance-inducing rock melody, and they passionately held each other while exchanging smoke-flavored kisses.
Debra was nervous, but deep inside she was intrigued and wanted to have this experience with Adam. When she met him at the Y, she had no idea that he was the wise and knowledgeable Wizard that he revealed himself to be.
They continued to discuss the party and yoga and life and the universe and they got stoned all afternoon like young horny teenagers; dreaming of the adventures and romances to come.
Conversations with Robert the Thieving Asshole
“Yeah, Yeah, Yeah. Listen to me you little shit. I don’t have the time to discuss the simplicity of this engagement. Just let it be known that there is money to be made here and lots of it! Do you know how many people will be at this party? Do you know how much drugs are going to be consumed? Do you know that Joe´s father has the biggest coin collection in the goddamned state!” Mumbling is heard from the telephone speaker. “What? Don’t fucking ask me how I know this? I’ve been inside that house dozens of times! All you have to do is listen to me, follow my lead and we won’t have to work again till fucking Spring!”
Robert slammed the phone down, pleasantly content with himself and his conniving plan. He then commenced to laugh a menacing laugh like something you might hear before an evil villain is about to destroy a village, blow up the whole galaxy, or something along those lines. I imagine he laughed in this sinister manner while plotting the robbery and changing the course of my life…
“Hello, is this (such and such) services? We need to rent an ice luge for 45 Zalem Lane. We may need more than one. How long do those things usually last before they melt away?” A muffled voice is heard from the phone. “Alright, so we’ll need dozens of them then. We also need a couple of servers to help with pouring and to make sure there´s enough alcohol at every moment throughout the entire week. This is going to be a ten-day party.” More muffled voices are heard. “Yes, good, perfect. Three bikini-clad models will be great as long as they are all exceptionally beautiful and know how to pour and serve a drink. That will be all.”
“Hey Eddy buddy, compadre, I want you to call all your music buddies. This is important. Music is very important for this event. Do what you have to do. All the musicians will get free beer and weed.” A voice from his telephone is heard. “Yeah, Joe just harvested his stash, so we are good to go on that end.”
Eddy on the other end: “Well, let me see what I can do, you’re not giving us much notice David, but you know that most musicians can be coerced with drinks and so forth. I’ll keep you posted man.”
“Okay, cool Eddy,” David hung up the phone, looked out the window and smiled a smile of glee, expectant of the great revelries to come.
At the House…
“JOE WE’RE LEAVING!!” yelled my dad from the first floor, I was still in bed.
“HEYYY WAIT A SECOND!” I yelled back, quickly rolling out of bed and jumping down the stairs.
My parents had their luggage packed and stacked neatly in our foyer; ready to go on their little vacation.
“Now Joe, you need to finish working on those architectural drafts that I left you in the office. And try to FOCUS this time JOE. You really need to find some new friends, they are all a bad influence on you.”
“I know dad, I know. But this town is small, and it sucks, and there’s not a lot of people out there to pick from, know what I mean?”
“That’s true Joe, but it´s better to be alone than to be amongst company like that. Those kids are worse than a pack of ravenous hyenas on crack. Do you see what I´m getting at here son?” he spoke, just as condescending as usual.
“Yes, dad I know, you are so wise. Don’t worry everything will be fine. I´ll work. I’ll finish up those drafts and I’ll talk to my friends. Maybe they will change or something. Or I’ll go out and look for new friends.”
My parents were going upstate to spend a week out in the cabin. Their annual outage in the woods. Usually, I went with them, but not this time. This time is different. This time is my time. Time to welcome the summer like never before with all of my friends.
My parents looked happy but also worried to leave. For a long moment, I thought they would abort the trip and stay because they didn’t trust me to be alone in the house. But then my mom gracefully grabbed her purse and bags and they both stepped out of the house. Each step seemed like they were walking toward unseen dangers;
Clip, Clop, Clip, Clop, Clip…
I walked with them to the car, still wearing my pajamas, carrying a heavy-ass suitcase full of my mom and dad’s crap. I opened the squeaky back door, threw the luggage in the trunk of the car, and slammed the door shut. Enjoying the crisp clean sound of its enclosure.
They were supposed to be going on vacation to relax, and they looked like worried old hens.
“Don’t worry about anything guys. Go out and have fun. Eat at that little restaurant that we always go to by the lake, with the delicious fried seafood. What’s it called again? Burt’s Bouncing Barnacles or Bob´s Hairy Oysters or one of those places, I can’t remember? Just enjoy yourselves, I’m telling you, please! Hey! You can go out on the lake on one of those feet peddle row boat contraption things!”
Whatever I said didn’t seem to brighten their mood, but it was better than listening to them babbling on about how I need to be more responsible and mature. And why I should stop drinking all the time with my moronic friends.
I hugged my mum and she started to weep hot tears all over my neck. “Mom, mom, please, hey, this is embarrassing. Just go and have fun with dad, will ya? I beg you. It’s not a big deal. I’m all grown up now.”
She embraced me and wiped her tears on my shirt. The sobbing and squeezing stopped after five infinite minutes.
Eventually, when all the emotions were expressed and calmed down, they got in the car and pulled out of the driveway.
“Goodbye! I’ll miss you, have a nice trip!!!”
They were heading North and I couldn´t have been more excited to be rid of them. I finally had the house to myself to do whatever the fuck I pleased. This was the beginning of the Bash or beginning of the End; however you want to look at it!
Let the Games Begin!
“Yoo Jimbo! Call everyone dude! The eagle has left the perch. I repeat the eagles have left the damn perch!”
That’s all I had to say to Jimbo. He got on the phone and made everything happen. He was the perfect assistant to my wild schemes. Now everyone will come and we begin the festivities of the millennium!
The first ones to arrive to my house were the band members. They rode in a big black Cadillac hearse from the 1980s. I stood on my front porch watching in amazement as they began to step out of it. First, the driver, then the front seat passenger, then various tripped-out members crawled out from the back, one by one. It was crazy. It was like a mad musical clown car. More than twelve of them came out of this big black thing!
They told me it was the perfect size to carry all the equipment in. It was like they were stepping out of an ancient blackened spacecraft which had just returned from the moon. Their silken clothes draped their skinny frames, their brightly colored headbands and handmade sandals, everything they had on was so funkadelic. These guys were cool, there was no doubt about it, I couldn’t wait to hear them play!
They set up their equipment around the house.
“Hey guys, do what you have to do. It´s going to be a long week so I’m gonna take a nap. See you in a few hours alright. Make yourselves at home. Let´s make this the best party ever. Thanks again!”
A few hours later…
I woke up from my slumber and started to walk around my house. It was amazing. They did an excellent job decorating everything with party lights and colorful psychedelic art. The living room already had the ice luges set up and there were three bikini models, waiting to serve the drinks.
Jimbo and Dave must have already arrived.
All the furniture was moved around and stacked into a big pile to make more floor space. And there was a special room set up for resting which just had mattresses, pillows and blankets on the floor, camping pads Velcroed to the walls, water jugs and five-gallon plastic buckets (to contain vomit in) laid about. Tired kids could go inside there to rest and recuperate from the toxic poisons that they ingested.
Our guest room was set up with huge glass bongs and Turkish water pipes. And my holy stash of weed was in the middle of it all. Displayed as a sacred shrine upon a sculpted slab of marble; waiting to be worshipped; ready to receive sacrifices…
The band set up the bulk of their equipment behind the ice luges. There was a full drum kit, speakers and subwoofers, electric guitars, keyboards, electronic beatboxes, record spinners, brass instruments, African hand drums, xylophones, didgeridoos, pianos, a harp, etc. Basically, everything necessary to fill our eardrums with the most outrageous and inspiring beats of our young enthusiastic lives.
Jimbo, Dave and Debra, Black Jack and Jessica were beside me chatting.
“Well, this is going to be a fun week,” I said in a calm voice, still a little sleepy, cause I just woke up.
“Ahhhhhhhh. This is going to be fun guys.” Black Jack said like a nerd. Mocking me as he picked his nostrils with his long fingers and crunched up his face, acting like a complete imbecile.
“OOOHHHHHHHHHH, This is going to be Fun! Very, Very, Very Much Fun. Fun, Fun, Fun, and Fun! Damnit!” Black Jack raved. I think I scratched one of his nerves somehow.
“Fuck yeah, it´s going to be FUN!” he shouted. “Do you even understand what’s going to go down here this week Joe?” He stared at me with the eyes of a depraved lunatic. “We are going to reach heights never achieved by any man in history. We are going to break records and shatter all barriers of normalcy and all thoughts of retarded-ass complacency!”
“What the Hell Man! I don’t know about you guys but I´m feeling fucking Pumped!” He said this while he was literally jumping and bouncing off the walls of my house. He almost smashed a hole in my ceiling with his head from jumping so high and manically. He had more energy inside of him than an Oklahoma windmill during tornado season and he controlled it with the finesse of an Olympic champion in the prime of his career.
Whenever he behaved in this manner, none of us dared interrupt him. The only thing we could do was stand back, watch, and wait until the powerful natural forces raging within him were outwardly expressed and eventually subsided…
All of a sudden — Like clockwork — He stopped
Landing right beside the bikini-clad drink server. He calmed down completely, as still as a granite statue. And he said in his most charming and seductive voice, which happens to be one of the most sexy and masculine voices in the whole damned region. “Hey baby girl, why don’t you hit up old Black with a delicious stream of your best and strongest booze? What do you say?”
His sly tongue was an inch away from the tall blond bikini models face. He breathed hot breath upon her elegantly formed neck while penetrating her with his laser-focused vision. Potent pheromones emanated from his entire being. His raw sexuality and over the top confidence was absolutely powerful. So thick that you could probably bottle it up somehow and ship it overseas, selling it for top dollar to desperate impotent men in third-world-countries.
“How much do you want Mr. Black?” she asked, all professional like, but we saw her lips tremble and moisten as his masculine energy radiated onto her soft exposed flesh.
“Just Let It Rain Baby Doll!” he shrieked.
“Guys start counting!”
He stuck his huge wide-open mouth underneath the block of ice and we started to count. The luscious model poured with a radiant smile, holding the bottle vertically over the carved ice block.
BlackJack went for 30 seconds!
He swallowed all the hard booze, picked himself up off the ground and wiped the excess liquor from his dark-crooked-mug with his shirt sleeve – Swipe – One drop purposely landed on the server’s exposed left ass cheek.
“Fuck yeah!!!” he screamed. “Let´s get it started! Yeeahhhhh! Let´s get it started in here! Yoo everybody get stupid, get funky! Let´s get our MOJO on motha uckerssssss! This party’s gonnaa hurt like a motha fudger! Faadger! Yo Eddy, Let’s Crank The Roof Off Of This BitchNaaaassssss! EEEEEERRRRRRRRR! OHHHH YEAH! YESSSS! Yeahhhh UUUUhhhhmmmmtyy OOOHHH”
He started to dance and screech and shout and stutter and stammer and jiggle. His loose-fitting blue jeans and oversized t-shirt were flapping away in the air as his body wiggled all around the place like an escaped Jack-in-the-Box. He resembled James Brown, if James Brown had just performed a live concert after ingesting a six-dose hit of pure liquid acid. He was absolutely crazy and mad and wild and provided the perfect psychological boost to get all of us into proper party mode.
More people started to roll into the house…