(For Mature Readers)
The Kids are Jumping off the Roof!
“Holy Moley Joe, you have to come and see this,” said Adam, acting a little bit excited but still quite calm, like he always is.
“Whatt. Whaat izz it? Tell me,” I said in a drunken/stoned/retarded/slurry voice.
“You’ll see, you’ll see, come with me.”
My house now looked like it could start winning Guinness World Records for the most-sickest party, and after what I saw the kids doing, we actually did win a Guinness record. It was fucking amazing!
I followed Adam through the crowded living room, out my front door, down the steps, and to the side of the house.
“Come on, you´ll see in just a second,” he whispered, with a sinister grin.
A bunch of kids were up on the roof.
“Wh-what the hell are they doing up there?” I asked, kind of nervous now. They weren’t wearing any clothes and they were pretty rowdy. Chanting and yelling and taking shots like lunatics.
“Hey Joe, what´s up, wait till you see this,” said Jimbo. He was standing out there too with a video camera in hand.
“Good job Jim. We need you to capture the entire sequence. This is going to go viral in a matter of minutes, you´ll see.”
Some other kids were at ground level with us. They seemed to have several big buckets and there was a blue plastic inflatable kiddie’s pool on the ground. It was full of water.
“Holy shit Adam, are they going to jump into that fu-fucking thing!?”
“Yes, my friend. You see Derek up there? He has been diving for his whole life and he has already done it a few times. He trained the other boys and girls to perform the same jump.”
“Are you kidding me? No way! This is my house, someone’s going to get killed!”
And right when I was about to have a nervous breakdown Jimbo yelled…
We watched Derek jump and plummet to the ground like a human-shaped slab of concrete. He landed directly in the center of the pool! All the water went splashing out, soaking us all on the ground except Jimbo, who was positioned strategically behind a tree to capture all the action on film.
“Pretty cool right Joe?” said Adam with the biggest grin I think I ever saw on a person’s face before.
“You gettin this Jimbo?”
“Hell yeah, perfect resolution man! I got my night filming capture on the lens. This is going to be epic!”
Then the boys quickly filled the kiddie pool and…
Another body belly-flopped to the ground. This time it was a naked girl. She landed in the pool with flawless form like a professional athlete!
“Holy shit-fuck! What the hell Adam! I can’t watch anymore! I’m about to fre-fre-freak the fuck out ba-ba-bro!”
Upon closer inspection, I realized that the girl had on a skin colored bra top, but no panties. At least her little boobies were covered up!
“You don’t have to worry about a thing Joseph. You see what happens here is that the water in the pool has been measured to approximately match the weight of each individual diver. When the diver drops into the pool with that perfect belly-flop form, all the energy of the impact is evenly distributed along the entire surface of their body. The diver instantly displaces the water, and replaces the space upon impact. In this way, they can safely land in twelve inches of water from several stories high. It is completely harmless. I promise you. Physics my friend. Ain’t she a beauty?!”
“Adam, I know it’s fucking physics, but-but-but-but, they are naked and drunk and getting sta-stoned with my weed, the most potent strand on Earth! And they just learned how to dive into a shallow-ass pool this ah-a-afternooon!”
As I started to panic and lose my mind…
Another Body Dropped
I continued to freak out, and in total there were seven divers that jumped off the roof that day in less than a minute, making it a new world record. My house is now famous for this damn diving record because Jimbo posted it all online, right after they did the stunt. It went viral in about ten seconds!
Derek came up to me with a towel draped around his neck, “What’d you think about that Joe? Pretty cool huh?”
“Dude, where the hell did you learn how to do that?
“From the Discovery Channel.”
“Holy Piss Fuck,” I couldn’t say anything else to him, or to anyone.
Everything had gotten out of hand. I lost control of the party. It became a self-governing entity. The only thing that had power and authority were: drugs, hormones, booze, sex, debauchery, lust, and acid. The Seven Deadly Sins!
What The Hell Are They Doing In The Basement?
“Hey Joe, Joe. Did you see what’s going on in the basement yet?”
“What, wha-what are you talking about? There are more activities going on, what the hell?”
That’s when I noticed a bunch of kids sitting and filming by the windows that look into my basement on the side of my house. I didn’t see them there before cause I was distracted by the feats of areal stupidity, but several kids were staring through the windows as if there was a movie going on down there or something.
“What the hell is going on Jim?”
“Look for yourself bro.”
I walked towards the windows, wary of any dropping youths. And then I saw that there was a foursome going on! I didn’t even know who the kids were. Total strangers were in my basement having sex with each other!
All the lights were on. Two couples were swapping partners between the water heater and the washing machine. They were really going at it and seemed to revel in the attention everyone was giving them; smiling and posing for the kids as they took pics through the windows. They used a few of my mother’s old hand-woven blankets and put them on the cement floor as an improvised bed cushion to hump each other on like a bunch of horny-ass monkey porn stars on the casting couch!
“What the hell Jim, what am I gonna do man?”
“What do you mean?” he asked as if everything was completely normal. “This is really fun. I´ve never had this much fun before, have you?”
He had a point.
But holy freakin nuts.
“Want to go join them Joe?”
“Mmm, no thanks, I’m good for now.”
I was in total shock and disbelief.
“Hey, let’s go down there Michelle.”
One of the little ballerinas was standing behind Jimbo the whole time. They were now holding hands and walking towards the side entrance to the basement.
“See ya around Joe,” he said, as he opened the door and walked into the great sexual banquet with his new lover.
“Hey, wait for us!” yelled Adam. He went running behind them with Debra.
Wow, this is just fucking great! Now all of my friends are having an orgy and I’m stuck here in the middle of the chaos. Who’s going to help me if some shit starts to go down? Dammit!
Then when I didn’t think things could get any crazier, I looked up at the roof. There was a mosh pit going on. The band took all their equipment up there. Everybody was going ape-shit!
They were jumping and dancing and screaming like a bunch of kids on spring break at the beach, except this my freakin roof with more than a hundred rampaging wackos!
I ran inside and felt the entire house shaking. It felt like I stepped into a giant washing machine. The walls were violently pounding and trembling. The noise was so intense that my ears began to automatically turn inwards as a form of self-preservation!
Then I heard it –
Yelling and Screaming and Whining and Crying!
The sound of bending wood fibers and broken through drywall!
The Roof Was Caving In!
I ran upstairs and into my parent’s bedroom. More than twenty-five kids were laying on the floor, on the smashed furniture, and on my parents flattened bed. Thank god the bed was there. It probably saved a couple a lives. The ceiling had a huge hole in it as if a meteorite had just fallen from the sky and smashed through. Oh fuck me!
What the hell am I going to do now!?
Then the kids started to leave. The music died down. One by one, I watched as one dumbfounded kid scurried away, then another and another. The healthy ones carried the injured ones. They grabbed all their crap and headed out the various exits. No one said, “Thanks” or “Sorry, about your roof” or “Need help to clean this shit up?” or anything like that.
Most of them were strangers anyways…
The only thing I could think of doing at that point was to drink. I walked downstairs. Defeated. A man without a soul or a purpose. I couldn’t take it anymore. I asked one of the bikini models to pour me an extra-long luge run “Yes, sir,” she said, totally oblivious to the insanity that surrounded her. I drank and drank and swallowed all the firewater. The most potent alcohol in the world filled my entire system, obliterating every cell in my body.
After that, I tipped my hat to the server, dragged my poor hopeless drunken ass to my room, and laid down within that gigantic revolving “washing machine”, waiting for it to make its final cycle, till I passed out in a plastered haze of misery. Hoping that everything I just witnessed was a huge mental nightmare and I would wake up and everything would be normal again…
Two days later…
I finally woke up from my drunken stupor. To my grand disappointment, my house was still in shambles.
I carried my hungover ass off the grungy piss-stained sofa in my bedroom, wiped the drool off of my mug, and started to explore my home, which resembled a post-war disaster site.
The banisters on the stairway were shattered. Some, barely hanging on by a nail or two. The stairs had been smashed through. The furniture and paintings that were once in perfect condition, now laid on the floor in pieces or were barely functional. The worst part of all was my parent’s room which had a huge hole in the ceiling, and my parent’s bed’s legs were splayed out and ripped off.
What the hell am I going to do now? I asked myself while my head pounded so hard that I thought it would spontaneously implode. My sight was so blurry it was like I was looking through a car window on a depressingly rainy night.
What the hell is wrong with my friends?
I didn’t mean for things to go this far.
I got on the phone to call Adam and some of the other guys to see if we could start to fix up my house and then I heard a car pull into our driveway.
It was my parents!
They immediately got out of the car. My father began shouting at the top of his lungs. His voice was recognizable from anywhere on the planet.
I was screwed!
He kicked down the front door, smashed into the house and started to see all the horrible damage in detail. The stained floors and dented walls. Puddles of water, beer, booze, and yellow/green vomit. Broken water pipes and liquor bottles. Poisonous serpents and other escaped creatures dangling about. Then he ran into the basement and realized that we were robbed! His priceless coin collection which was securely hidden in the basement was nowhere to be found. The walls were busted through. Plus, there were used condoms and signs of sexual acts all over my mother’s handmade wool blankets. Crusty red and white stains marked the whole area!
“What The Hell Is All This Shit Joe! What The Fuck Happened!”
I went to face him. My mum was crying and utterly defeated.
“Oh Joe, why Joe? Why did you do it? Why? EEErrrruuhhhh, UUSSSSHHHHH!” she winced and cried and made some god-awful noises.
“I’m Going to Kill him, it’s the only Fucking Solution!”
He had a broken glass bottle in his hand ready to jab my throat if I made any sudden movements.
My mother stood between us. I didn’t know if I should try to kill my father or run away from home.
“My coins Joe. My fucking coins! They’re all Gone! Who did It, who the fuck came to the house this week?!”
He had no clue. I guess they didn’t have any internet service up at the lake cause our house was all over the fucking internet!
“Dad, things got out of hand and I was poisoned. Alcohol poisoning dad. It was a te-terrible thing. I almost died!”
“Fuck YOU! I wish you DIED you Bastard! You´re not my son ANYMORE!”
“Noo, No Joe. Why? Why? Why.. why?! Heeerrrkkkummm AAAhhhshhski!” my mum cried and cried, horribly bellowing out. I never saw her so upset. Her face was nothing but a gut-wrenching glob of sorrow and dread, and my dad’s face was pure enraged fury and blood red convulsions of spine-tingling terror.
“Joe, this is it! You git to go, Now! Get your shit. I don’t want to see you again. Never again… NEVER FUCKIIING AGAIIINNNNNN!!!”
Despite getting kicked out of my home, losing touch with my friends/family, having to survive on my own, and at times sleep in the woods, eating nothing but worms, this experience, this Great Party has changed my life for the better.
I am now truly living the dream. Living life on my own terms. I have two wives, three kids, and my best friend is a badass dolphin. I have an ample supply of bud, rum, and food. And I live on a beautiful island in the Caribbean. This moment. This part of my life, is good. I couldn’t ask for more.
And none of this would have happened if it wasn’t for my idiot friends who burglarized and destroyed my home.
The only thing that I’m concerned with now is keeping my new family happy and safe. While always wondering when and where our next adventure will lead us. I also hope to make things right with my parents one day. I think I know how I’m going to do that too.
In essence, The Greatest Party created Hobo Joe…
Out of the ruins of my ex-home a star was born. A modern living legend. An honorable example to follow and a leader amongst Hobos.
The King of all the Hobos – You could say
Or maybe I’m hallucinating and I’m just a mindless rambling beach bum, waiting to be tossed into the sea, and become food for the fishes. Things are all a matter of perspective you see…
This concludes The Greatest Party!
And The Hobo Saga Continues…
Thanks for reading friends! Come back again sometime to follow along on Hobo Joe’s wild international adventures!