“Not all those who wander are lost.” J. R. R. Tolkien
Who is Hobo Joe?
Hobo Joe is a fictional series that will be appearing periodically on Tripoart.com
Joe is a young guy who recently got kicked out of his family’s house because his terribly chosen friends stole and destroyed many of his dad’s favorite irreplaceable possessions during one of the most insane parties of Joe’s young life. Now he has to learn to live and survive on his own. He’s smart and resourceful but also likes to live life like a wild man. Where will Joe’s journey take him next?!
This series is based on survival, partying and the interesting and whacked out characters encountered during Joe’s travels. It is filled with adult themes, therefore it may contain vulgarity, drug/alcohol use, and sexual scenarios, please don’t continue to read if you are easily offended by this type of content.
This is Part Two of Hobo Joe:
Day Two – The Crow
I found broken up leaves and various bugs crawling all over my body as I opened my eyes and realized I was in the woods safely resting in my Hobo refuge. I slept well. Not like in my own bed, but I had an immense feeling of liberation and knowing that anything was possible. I was alive, I was dry, I was hungry.
I dug into my pockets, found a little bit of granola and started to have breakfast. Warm water, granola and a couple of tasty insects, that’s the true breakfast of champions for a Hobo hahah!
I’m free of responsibility, but I don’t want to be a lazy hermit living in the woods who doesn’t interact with other people. I want to do something with my life, something amazing. I want adventure. I am young and healthy, so I filled my pipe up and had a smoke as I thought about all these interesting things.
The smoke calmed my nerves and allowed me to think more clearly.
Ok, what are my options?
- I could go to a homeless shelter and live alongside other Hobos, eating disgusting gruel every day and probably catch some kind of obscure disease while hooking up with crazy street babes.
- I could join the military and serve my country as a soldier while risking my life and sanity in the process. Many of my friends were fighting overseas and told me stories of murderous devastation. Should I join their ranks?
- I could go to college. But just the thought of school made my stomach turn and my head ache. I think I would rather die in the heat of battle getting my head blown off, than die of boredom listening to some know-it-all college professor giving several-hour-long lectures every day for six long years.
- I could learn how to juggle or walk the tightrope and join the Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Circus. That would be pretty fun, but I have very little circus abilities and the Brothers might feed me to the lions if I screwed up one of the performances.
- I could travel the world as a wandering Hobo, and live each day to the max as if my life was a story in one of those Best-Selling Comic Books or a Big Hollywood Movie. Each day like a new chapter and I have the power and control to do whatever the fuck I want to do.
I can’t stand strung-out bums, authority figures, annoying-ass lectures, or violent lions so my only choice is to travel!
Right then I decided I was going to wander the world and do as much insane shit as possible. I will go to every continent and ocean. I´ll sleep with the world’s most exotic women and do it all while high on the best herb, it´s the only way! I´ll swim with blue whales, surf with great whites, and travel to the moon on a rocketship if I can find a way to get there!
My resolve is absolute and nothing is going to stop me or get in my way. As I thought of these awesome ideas, I heard the rumble of thunder in the distance and a squawking crow flew above me and landed on the branch of a huge oak tree just a few meters away.
I looked at him and he at me. We locked eyes for a moment. His body was big and black, streamlined and beautiful, like a stealth fighter jet that just landed, poised to make its next flight. His presence intimidated me but it also puzzled me and filled me with wonder.
He shuffled his feathered body a bit, moved his head around from side to side and each time he turned he looked directly at me with his piercing eyes of blackness. Then he spread his wings, waved them in the air several times and with a quick jump he flew off. Loudly squawking, ” Yaww, Yaww, Yaww, Yaww, YAWW,” while rustling the leaves beneath us.
My spine began to shiver, I felt electricity on my fingertips and I knew it was meant to be. His appearance was a sign from the Universe and I had an obligation to accomplish my mission! I took another deep hit from my pipe, the smoke filled my being and I felt more alive than ever before.
I collected my stuff and hiked to town. The first place I went to was the library. There were some computers there with internet access so I did a little research. The librarian gave me some food. She knew I was hungry ‘cause my stomach loudly growled when I walked in and saw her eating. She was a nice lady and gave me a piece of her sandwich. I ate it as I surfed the web.
The three options I saw online for a wandering Hobo were:
A. Couchsurfing – which is like a free couch set apart in stranger’s living rooms
B. Housesitting – which is where you take care of peoples pets as they travel abroad
C. Hitchhiking – which is waiting on the side of the road with your thumb sticking out, hoping and praying that somebody stops and gives you a free ride
I decided to go hitchhiking as far away as possible, and figure things out while I was on the road. I drank a bunch of water in the bathroom, washed up, and headed out for the highway, waving goodbye to the sweet librarian.
I walked from the library to the highway. It was a perfect day to go hitchhiking; nice and bright and sunny.
When I reached the highway, many cars passed me by as I held out my thumb. I know I probably looked like a bum but I was young and innocent looking too, a handsome guy with a happy hippy style.
Several 18-wheeler trucks passed me honking their loud obnoxious horns as they steamed ahead with a mighty force. Some families riding station wagons. SUV’s and fancy sports cars, they all flew past, ignorant to my quest!
Then after a while an old jalopy slowed down and crept up beside me. The engine was making a dreadful sound, but this was the first person to stop and the first time I ever attempted to bum a ride.
The car was a mustard yellowish-green color, probably older than me and the driver was a skinny black guy.
He rolled down his window by hand and said, “Yo where you going dude?” displaying big white teeth as he grinned.
“I’m not sure, I’m just going,” I replied, he seemed like an alright guy.
“Well I’m driving down to Ohio to make a delivery you can come if you like.”
“Sweet!” I said smiling as I jumped into the jalopy.
When I got in I noticed empty beer bottles on the floor and rolled up pieces of trash. I looked in the backseat, there was a big oven stove sitting on the seat.
“That’s what we’re delivering and you can help to load it in the house when we get there ahite.”
“Sure cool man, I’ll help, whatever you need!”
“My name is Freddy, you want a beer?” he said smiling.
“Yes please, I’m Joe, I’m pretty thirsty, been outside all day in the hot sun, nice to meet you Freddy!” I said as we shook hands, happy to have a drink.
He pulled out a bottle of beer from underneath his seat and smoothly opened it with a shiny titanium ring he wore on his right hand. Snapped the cap, it popped right off, and I started sipping the warm brew.
Freddy had on an old Wu-Tang Clan T-shirt, baggy pants, a black baseball hat and he was bobbing his head up and down to the beat of the hip-hop music that was playing on the stereo.
There was a track on without any lyrics, just the rhythm and the beat.
We cruised down the wide-open highway while drinking beer and Freddy started to rap:
“Uh Uh Uh Uh Uh
Fo Sho – Fo Sho – Fo Sho
Yo yo Yo little white boy, what tha fuck!
I bet you wished you owned your very own pickup truck
But insteads you iss here wit me
Tha baddest motha fuckan MC from another Galaxy
Tha greatest master of every spec-tac-u-lar ceremony!
And we’s riding around in tha Royal Jalopy!
Who you is?! – Where you goin?! – Where you from?!
You betta not be a little lazy bum
Nahhh, you look like a cool tripped out hippy
And yous gonna help me wit this cul-in-ar-y delivery
Instead a bein in tha back – smokin that weeed
Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo Yo”
And on and on and on he went, rapping away like a lyrically enhanced madman, I loved it! I also started to bob my head up and down. I liked Freddy, he understood me better than anyone else that I ever met. Then he challenged me:
“Yo little white boy sing me a song, let me hear your flow
Yo Joe let’s – Go Go Go Go Go Go Go!”
I cleared my throat and rapped:
“Aaaauhhhuummmm yeah yeah yeah yeah
What’s up, This is it, This is me
Last night I slept underneaths a big ass tree
I ate bugs and leaves and smoked a J
Then a crow landed on my tree branch and I was like Hey!
I wasn’t afraid
All I could do was chew
My worms and I shared one with the squawking crow too!”
We both laughed, this was fun, we really bonded through our raps like brothers. Then he looked at me with a serious face and asked, “How’d them bugs taste Joe?”
When we reached Ohio I was excited to be in a new state. For me, it was like a new life filled with new opportunities. I had a new friend and was about to meet his family, that was really cool.
We pulled up to the house after dusk, laughing and rhyming. Freddy stopped and parked the car and I saw his cousin standing on the front steps. I was blown away. She was a huge black woman dressed in fluorescent-pink skin-tight pajamas. Her breasts were bigger and rounder than two fresh watermelons, her thighs thicker and darker than tree trunks, and her ass was almost as wide as the royal jalopy!
“It’s about time you done showed up Freddy! Where my stove at?!” she said in a high pitched twang, which simultaneously bent thousands of blades of grass on the front lawn.
“Hey Sheneis, it’s right here don’t worry, I picked up Joe and he gonna help with the installation, right Joe?” he said assertively, waving me over.
“Yes, yes yes sir,” I said while staring at his cousin.
Sheneis looked like she could snap my scrawny neck with one quick movement of her huge voluptuous body. But at the same time she turned me on more than any other woman I have ever known, so strange!
I opened the side door of Freddy’s mustard jalopy and started to yank out the stove. It was pretty freakin heavy, but I managed to get a hold of it and I hauled it up the stairs and into Sheneis’s house. She held the flimsy screen door open for me as I passed into her home. She stared at me like I was an alien walking through her house and I saw her looking at Freddy silently saying, “Who the hell is this white boy?!” with her big beautiful dark eyes.
“So how you been?” Freddy asked her.
They chit-chatted as I carried the stove through her little house and into the messy kitchen. There was food all over the place; leftovers, boxes of cereal, wine bottles, my kind of place hehe. I think my stomach growled again when I saw all the food and wine.
Freddy came in and we worked together to quickly set up and install the new stove. Sheneis was really happy with our work so she cooked a big meal for us all, it was amazing! Baked chicken, mashed sweet potatoes, and fresh greens. I ate every bite like a hungry wolf, then we started drinking wine and I shared some of my bud with them too!
We sat around the living room, the three of us, hanging out, telling jokes, listening to R&B music. They were really nice people. And they didn’t ask me about my past or anything, which was good, ’cause I didn’t want to mention that I got kicked out of my family’s house the day before.
“Well, I’m beat, I’m going to bed dudes,” said Freddy. “I got a lot a shit to do tomorrow, so you children behave yoselves, thanks for your help Joe.”
“Goodnight Freddy!” Sheneis and I both said.
And with that Freddy retired to one of the little bedrooms, we both watched as he left and closed the door. I sat alone on the sofa with his super-sexy cousin Sheneis. As soon as Freddy left she put her hand on my chest and looked deeply into my eyes saying, “You is the cutest white boy I done ever seen, let’s smoke some more weed Joe!” At that moment, she sounded like a happy little school girl!
I filled my pipe and we started to smoke together. In between hits, I kissed a black girl for the first time in my life and it was wonderful! I won’t go into all the juicy details of our encounter, but we connected in a very strong way that night and talked about everything…
I laid atop her big heavenly bosom, feeling my problems and worries melting away as if they didn’t exist anymore and nothing in the whole world mattered. I felt like a baby back in the womb; a rebirthing. Sure we both had a strong sexual attraction for each other but it was deeper than that. As I laid there she began to hum an ancient African tune, soothing my damaged soul and I slept upon her warm body, entering into joyful dreams of ebonic pleasures…
Thanks for reading Part Two of Hobo Joe, hope you all enjoyed it, click Here to read Part Three!